This time that changes….

​I guess time changes things…. but yes, I never could have imagined it would change the people around me to such an extent. Not the blood relations maybe, they remain kind of same because all of us know that they can’t be changed… but what about friendships, relations that we create for ourselves as we move forward…. They do change because those friends or well-wishers or whatever we may call them have a choice. Choice to stay or choice to leave… unlike relations, who even though being blessed with this choice, prefer not to choose them and amazingly the queerest thing about human emotions is that it cares far more for those relations than the blood ones, maybe, even after knowing that they might be temporary. Sad… isn’t it?

So, as I sit quietly, observing my friends and well-wishers and wondering what made them change so much, I just feel this hollowness. I smile at them, a fake one, to hide all that I have been feeling about them. How can I tell them that they have changed…? How can I ask them why they are treating me like this?

Yes, that does not mean I haven’t tried, I have, and the reaction shocked me even more than their behaviour. They just behaved like nothing even happened! Even though they didn’t laugh at me but their behaviour proved that I wasn’t wrong. Maybe I am reacting too much, thinking too much but who will not feel the need of knowing the purposes of people around us… after someone whom I thought would stay forever had already left me?

It seems just so justified… though I can’t rate it right or wrong but it is just the way I feel…I am sure you must have felt the same way at some point of time… isn’t it?

So as I said before… Is it me or is it you?

One can’t always Fight…

Now, it has happened again.

I had stopped writing, again.

I don’t know with the passing days why it is getting so difficult to write, to express. Why is it that I find it so hard to search for words, search for topics to speak on?

I guess I have lost all my connectivity with my soul. All I do these days is waste my time in useless things but I know that I lack motivation. I cannot find my spirit and suddenly it all feels okay?! 

Is it so necessary to always be soulful? To see the world through a different perspective than others….?

No, I don’t think so.

We can’t always be the tough, positive people who readily struggle through life can we? Times are there when we get tired, so tired, of all this pain, all this fighting for righteouness…. That we let it all go.

We just go ahead, lie down on our couch and watch the days as they pass by. But we can’t also escape from that occasional knocks on the door of our hearts, telling us that it is all wrong. Life no longer has any point for you and before it gets too late, you need to get up and get ready to fight again! 

All this happening, and we humans, people like us, claim to live a normal, simple life!?Now this is funny!  It might be funny, but this condition we are in, is not.

I have got tired now, tired of being useless, tired of living this pointless life. I need to get up now, enough of all this sleeping and drowsiness.

My strength is in my spirit, my soul and I won’t let it die. I have my dreams, my passions, my whole life ahead of me. 

So here we are,

With a sound body and a scarred heart, ready to struggle and fight.

And we aint losing this war.

Is it me or is it you?

It happens sometimes… Some memories are there, beautiful, yet now all they is make it all worse for us… Dont they?

We all have that. Too common for human beings. Everyday they come, remind us what happiness what meant to us once… And what they mean to us now. Makes us wonder, how life changed and how much we never wanted it to… Feelings sound too familiar? Is it that I am speaking or is it your heart?

I leave that answer… to you.

Now you will have to listen to me.. Would you like to?  So here we are, both of us sitting, heart taking us back to those days and mind, doing a lot of hard work to not allow you to… 

And what happens then, there are those few days of extreme pain and helplessness and then it becomes habit. Human nature to gradually adapt, to understand that some things are just meant to stay like that… You know those memories wont leave you, but the truth is you wont like them to, too dear for us to let it all go isnt it?

So we just keep them, our little treasure. 


And then we change, we start leading a dual life from inside… One part which lives in the past, loves it so much that it wishes every second for those days to return back…  The Other part which you show to everyone, everyday, which mayne doesnt give a damn to what happened, that “I dont care now”part,that I can live happily part…

 I cant say which part is right and which part is wrong because that would just be a wrong question. Instead, the right question would be…. Why two parts? Why when something happens to us so beyond our imagination, why does it divide us in two parts?

The sad thing is, I cant answer that question for you… It is a question which you need to answer… A question, to which I am still trying to find the answer for.. But this one answer is for meant for you all to find youself… 

Because that answer will help you, Find your own self.


So now the question is..

Is it me or is it you? Who was speaking just now? Was it me or was it your heart? I dont know that..

All I know is, Whoever it was, it will soon be back…. 

Long time…

Again, I come back to write after a long time..
Again, I cant sleep at night…
I always wrote out of agony.. Out of pain..
And I am writing. Ironic, isn’t it?
A lot happens in our world… or if I put it simply, life happens to us.
It is just a thing about emotions,  they often knock at the doors of our hearts.  They are nothing less than those uninvited guests with a smile.  A sly smile.
I always thought I could control myself,  I could handle what no one could but I was wrong. I was just another sentimental guy who cried a lot for a girl. 
It was not that he couldn’t have her..  He could. But not for sometime to have fun,  but to have her eternally, he failed to do that because nowadays, it was nothing less than a crime,  to fall in love.
To him, she was not a girl, she was his world. He loved her more than he would ever love anyone now. She hurted him the most, but still he loved her.
But he wont now.  He is not capable anymore.

I myself never believed if anyone was capable… Any human was capable of loving any other human with all his fragile and vulnerable emotions…
But I now know, its true.
Truer than any other word in the world could be. Though I am aware that I am too inexperienced and small for all this but that is the reason I believe it is the purest thing that I would ever feel.

Here are my emotions, again knocking at my heart’s door, depriving me of my sleep, raising again those questions which will never be answered before they become insignificant.
Here I am losing hope slowly and slowly each day. Life.. Haha.. I guess is happening to me again.

image

Hey inspiration, I love you okay?
Not because we cant ever be together,  not because I cant stop myself from looking forward to each day quietly, not because that I cant promise you that you will be the last girl in my life,  not because I would kill the guy you would try to hang out with… but because love just happens. Out of nowhere,  it gets attached to your hearts and it just stays… And I know that one day when I am gone, you will miss me and then you will soon get busy with your life but I will come,  just like that uninvited guest,  knocking at your heart’s door, bringing both smile and tears…
Sad, but true.

It is not easy to forgive…

They say, ‘ Forgive and forget.’
Is it so easy?  To have control over all your emotions,  all your pain?  No it isn’t and that is why I always said,  its easy to say.
Me? I always tried to make peace. I was the fighter. But still,  it have never been easy. I started this blog to pen down my feelings but I stopped when I realised it just ain’t fair.  But time has got me back to that point. The ‘She came back‘ point. And this small, touchy writer is back with the flood of those emotions which I had thought I have lost.
I just want to share today that it isn’t easy to forgive and then ‘forget’.
Those emotions, they bind you somewhere. That one person who hurts and you hear their name and feel all those feelings again…
Its just that, for a second everything seems so wonderful. Feels as if you got everything that you ever wanted and then? Then those loveliest people in your life say or do something and those memories, those emotions come back.

image

My story...

I, personally, if I myself remember my story want to forgive her, to forget those memories which haunt me every night. I wanna feel that love again which once I thought I deserved. But I guess, life is not just that easy. You do everything to make it all good,  to bring all of it back but after few trials you find yourself again in that darkness. Feels like home isn’t it?

But, but it isn’t your home. It is not meant to be.
I say, I will feel the pain, but just feel it for the sake of knowing what happiness means, but it is not to be in my life. Pain is not meant to be carved in my heart, because it is the place where she resides, a little home of mine which I have already given to someone till the time ends.
Now there is only one thing that I would ever need,  her support because I know someday she will love me, not because I love her but because it was meant to be and it is something which gives me the hope, the reason to live. Cant lose the reason to live, can I?
So I just close my eyes, and believe.

God knows I have made my share of mistakes, some unforgivable, some forgettable, but this is the only chance I have got to make it right. I don’t know, my inspiration, if we are meant to be together, if we share a infinity..  The only thing I know is I have given my everything to feel who you are.. and I wont let that sacrifice be a waste till the time I live, my Lady.

I need to search for words…

I am writing after a long time.
I often wondered to write something for others but I failed many a times because I no longer have words. I no longer have that determination to drive me to write, to create.

To be honest with myself, this blog of mine was meant to be an exposure of my emotions, a collections of teaching, what I kept on learning.
So that I could share all that with you, with a belief in my heart that I would be able to help some souls…

For people like us, lovers, broken-hearted people who are lost and confused, it is not passion, it is the emotions which drive us to write, to let our pens or hands..  Speak For Us.
And some of them, create history.

To be able to write your emotions, is a matter of courage, is a matter of fearlessness.
True strength is when you are no longer afraid of other people, of what they will think.

image

And to live that moment, I wont ever give up...

I have often been called fake, a sympathy-gainer whenever I shared my emotions through my words…
Yes, maybe if I put my emotions in front of you, it is wrong. It is something which is mine, which is not meant to be shared. Yes, because when I share, some of the people among them feel Sorry for me, some of them just don’t care,  some of them feel I am stupid and fake, but..
My experience shouts to me, that there are some people, however few, who will go through the same situation as I went when I wrote my life openly. Yes, my writing would be 90% emotions but there maybe 10% which would be my lesson, my mistakes from which those few people might learn.
I write for them.

There would be a point in your life, when you will stop living for yourself and start living for others. That is what people call ” being in love. “

I don’t write much anymore though. I have forgot how to write poems.
Reason? 
No emotions to drive me anymore. No longer does my passion survives.
I don’t say I have lost emotions, that would be just philosophy and another expression for pain, on the contrary, now I have thousands of emotions but none, strong enough to give first flare to my fire.
I am just looking for a reason. For a passion, just like we all are looking for something so that everything could make sense.
We need each other to make it work.
Let us make it work.
Live for others, so that you can truly live for yourself.

Change hurts…

Take some time out for yourself and ask yourself how much have you changed?
I am sure the answer will baffle you.

Life means change. As we see around ourselves, nothing, absolutely nothing is stable.
You know the things that change people the most?  They are love and pain.
Both are connected, joined, incomplete without each other.
When I suggest you to do something, I do it myself first…
So when I asked this question to myself, I found out I have changed much. Even in ways which I couldn’t have ever imagined.
I don’t talk about good changes or bad. There is no such thing like that, it all depends upon….  perspective. But one thing that is true enough is that these changes, do hurt.

image

Be brave..

You know the fact is that the things which you love become your habit and then that habit becomes you. Let us take an eg. I loved. I cared. I sacrificed. It became my habit. Usually we state these things as good but have you ever asked the person who loves, how difficult it is to love?  How painful it is to sacrifice? 
Then how can one state these as good?  It is just good for the other people but no one cares about that person who sacrifices, who cares. All they do is show a mere gratitude and humility but…  Does that help that person in reducing his pain?  Does it help him to smile when all he has, are tears?
Then comes a time when pain grabs the most of him and he…  that loving and sacrificing person changes. Changes into someone which is far more destructive and to be honest which is just not…  him.

image

Nothing could be more truer...

That is how people change.
My dear readers, we blame people, we hate people for what they did to us and sometimes for what they just are..  but no one asks them how that change came.
Do not be the biased one because your beauty lies in understanding others.
People will never award you with the same respect, the same love which you gave them but that doesn’t that they should be hated.
It is all just a game of expectations. A deadly game which destroys relations.
And we, we should know better than that.

Yes,
Changes are inevitable, necessary.
Changes happen for a reason, they happen because of a reason.
But never let those changes,  those reasons, get the best of you.
If you love someone and you feel they don’t love you the same, let those expectations go. You wont get this time again. Live your life. Love people because this universe will only make sense when you someone to share your feelings with. Changes will happen, welcome them but don’t let them rule.

Don’t let the guests,  be the owners…

Stay happy. Take care. I will see you again.