You and me… Travellers?

There are times when emotions overcome your self. You forget who you are. They are a like a fast flowing river and you, like an amateur swimmer who have neither the strength nor the will to fight the powerful stream.

I really feel guilty, my readers, as I promised you all some inspiration to continue and ended up sharing my uncontrollable emotions with you all. I am sorry.

Yes, I accept. Your Inspirer was in need of more inspiration than any of you and after days of struggle, he finally saw a light.

A light, which made him forget all his pain and all his scars. I do not say he lost them but yes, they are all safe in a distant memory because I feel that they have their own importance and one day  I will need them. But, right now, He is or I should say, we are just travellers.

We travel through space and time, each and every second, with eyes open and hearts sealed, with promises broken and love healed. We travel, because that is what we are all supposed to do, isn’t it?

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My mentor, my motivation....

But when you look at a traveller you will find, there are days when the situations oppose his will, he gets tired, weary and incapable of any further steps. He stops, pauses for a few moments promising himself that he will get up again; because his journey is still incomplete.

He takes rest, prays to God to make him well and at the end after a few days time he gets ready to move on.

Wait, I asked that traveller? Why don’t you take some more rest? Aren’t you happy that you don’t have to fight those winds and mountains? All you gotta do is just here and enjoy the nature.

“No, the rigid traveller said, I have no desire to sit here and look at the world move at its place. I was born to travel and fight the difficulties and nothing can give me more happiness that I get by fighting those storms. Yes, I needed rest but God knows each second spent here sitting idle reminded me of the distance I have come, and the miles still left to travel. I couldn’t find peace a single moment.”

I have been just like that traveller, I was tired, broken and needed rest. But now, the moments of rest for me are over. I need to continue my journey because my travelling is my passion, my religion, my peace, my God.
I paused for a moment and lost all my peace, just like him.

Yes, my dear readers, you Inspirer was tired, he was flowing in his emotions. But, he is back now, ready to take you all to another journey full of life.
Let us travel. Together. Forever, on a journey which has no end and no dearth of inspiration.

And at last a message for her, if she reads it in some forgotten time:
I was in need of care and love, you gave it all to me. I am sorry that I just got so lost in it that I forgot I started binding my love. But, the truth is, I love you miss more than I ever loved myself and I will wait for the right time, because I know our love will get us together. For the present time, I have decided to try to start living once more. I know you will be happy if I do that and your happiness is what I ever lived for.

I need to write about Love…

From Maria’s diary:
I need to think and think and write and write about love – or else my soul wont survive.
– Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coelho

That is the reason I write about Love.
True Love is really different. It is a feeling above any other which can surpass all the world’s hatred, anger, selfishness or anything.
It is something so beautiful, which can teach you how to live even if it takes all the reason you had for your life.

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To write love...

When I look at myself what She (my love) taught me, I find a huge list.
But in the list, above all is that, she taught me how to love.
She taught me how to care about someone even if they throw you out of their life; how to silently look at someone and be happy for a few seconds, knowing, it would bring you pain for the rest of the night.

She taught me how to fall, how to cry, how to get up and how to smile.
How to give everything you have without demanding anything in return.

She taught me how to miss, how to care, how to cherish and how to bear.
How to hide all that is inside and be cheerful on the outside.

For all that, I am grateful to Love.

But I know somewhere on the inside that she still loves me, I know it.
But still I know I will do nothing, because I may love her but I don’t own her.
(Remember that my friends, Love means caring, not owning…)
I wont control her, I wont expect anything. I will just be there for you whenever you need me, because:
When she tries to hide all her feelings, she forgets I know her better than she knows herself.
I know when I get lost in the crowd, her eyes still search for me.
I know when I am going, she would turn back and look at me.
I know one day when I will not be here, she will miss me.

You say you want me to move on, but let me tell you something,
I have loved you for two years and I will love for hundred more. The reason I am still alive is I believe that someday, you will come back to me…. and even if you don’t, I will go on to love you till the day God decides to take my soul away.

I wont let my inspiration get lost in this cruel world.
Because,
I need to write about Love.

I watch you disappear in the darkness…

Been a long time, I have been living without her. Have not seen her for quite a bit.
Hear from my friend, she studies at his tuition.
Heart stops beating, feel like seeing her. Cant stop myself. But,
Whats the use? She is no longer mine, and she does not want me to be hers.
Why these emotions then?
I know it would hurt me if I see her smiling, knowing I could not be the reason behind it. But, it would hurt me more if I don’t see her. I will have to go, I did go.

There are times in your life when you find someone for you, and maybe intentionally, they let you go. They feel as if they will find someone better or maybe they comprehend that (if they are modest enough) you will find someone better.

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It did, I know and I believe in myself...

But its too late, you have already  given your heart. But its no use, cause they wont understand this. If they would have, they would not have left you all alone in the first place. But they think they know better, that its good for “both of you” to go separate ways. And you.
You just smile one last time and accept their decision. Not cause you think the same, it is because you would never like to go against the wish of your ‘God‘.

Still, you go and see them, tell them that you survived. Tell them that you did love them because you came, when they did not even cared to have a look.

Yes, love can break hearts, but that  heart is joined back. Maybe not joined with love, but joined back with so much of strength and will power; that it will not break again.

Yes, you are now weak, you have lost your reason to live but you have survived. Now, you are strong enough to fight this world, smart enough not to  trust anyone with your heart again, lovable enough that some people will always care for you truly, determined enough to struggle for your materialistic dreams and hurt enough so that when world sees you, it sees that you silence silences.

And here I am back again, watching you from a distance. Close enough to see you physically, but far enough that you can hide what is in your heart.
You don’t care even if I am there, you have to go and you will go, like you always did.
I smile in my heart, yes so she is fine. Better than me and I am happy, I don’t know why.
Maybe that’s what I always wanted, your happiness. Wanted it so desperately that I let go of mine in front of my eyes.
That is love for me.

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Love..

And now when I collect my broken pieces and look at you again, I see you going back to your own world, and I sit there quietly just to watch you disappear in the darkness…

I consider myself a prostitute….

I was just reading Paulo Coelho’s Eleven Minutes and I found it to be very vulgar and at the same time very beautiful.
Paulo Coelho is my mentor, my favourite writer and a very touching philosopher. His book gave me many of the answers I had been searching for. It is the story of a prostitute doing prostitution in a unknown country to collect money to fulfill her dreams and like I had said before, searching for love.

I always wondered why did the prostitutes become prostitutes, which were the emotions that drove them, why did they have the so called desperateness for money.
Why did they do it, knowing that later on the society will always consider them lewd and not accept them?

I got many of my answers and as for learning, I discovered… That I was no less than a prostitute.

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Maria - the prostitute

Just as she sold her body for money, I had begun to sell my love for happiness, something which I wanted desperately. Sometimes my emotions drove me to such an extent that when my true self arrived, I felt more cheap than anything else would be in this world.

“Even when I write this now, I feel so guilty that that guilt can never be expressed in a few words. In this world so cruel, I begged for love from someone whom I loved. I learned that love is a free emotion, it flows in the air. It need not make its present felt to all but the day it enters someone just like the air, it spreads to every part of your body, every section of your soul, it flows in your veins and it pumps through your heart. It does not need words to describe itself and it is best felt in silence. It’s just like passion, a desire of believing in something unexpected. And here I was, begging for it so that I can live. I learned that I maybe I did not know what was love and how it was to be felt but I still am sure that I did love. I loved my life, my dreams, my passion, my hard work, my honesty, my world and…. Her. It is something which can never ever be denied by my soul.”

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Truer than anything...

After she left me, my real prostitute came over, the professional one.
I stopped feeling and living. I started selling myself to life and became unnecessarily focused a lot to my work. I started loving professionalism. My whole day became the night of prostitution and my night became the days. Those were the times I would let my emotions go. What would have I done?

I needed to preserve my soul and have hope, so that it did not get lost in the sadness of my heart.

I know there are many like me out there, waiting for some miracle to happen. Hoping for something unexpected that would change their lives forever. For them I say, believe.
Believe. That’s enough.

I just can’t accept…

Life. We all live our lives for a purpose. And in that one big purpose we have some small purposes.
Among them, one of the purpose of our life is finding our love.

And there is this one concept of getting into relations with people. When we are attracted to someone, we confess our feelings and if they are accepted, we get in a relation. We keep on getting in relations with different people till the time we find our love and finally settle.
What happens when you know you cant have that person when your hear says he/she is the “one”?

When those feelings are not accepted, we feel sad, heartbroken. We think that the we fell in love with that person in first sight and he/she did not accept your love. To be honest, I don’t believe in this concept.
When you fall in love, you fall in love with that complete person.
So when you look at him/her for the first time, how can you fall in love? You don’t know anything about that person?
So, falling in love at first sight? Not at all possible.

There are also stories, where those feelings are accepted, they get together, make (uncertain) promises of staying together forever and for infinity.
But sometimes, those infinities just turn out to be too short and they both separate and choose their own paths.

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Harsh but true...

It is really funny for me when I talk so much about what reality is but when I look at myself; I am still pained after she left me.
Reason being that I just cannot accept that she was not the “one” for me.
I don’t have the heart to go out in this world and find someone else to spend my life with because I did fell in love.
Yes, I may talk to hundred girls each day, even get attracted towards a few but believe me guys when I tell you, every night before I sleep, I still think of her. Even if it hurts….

There is not a day I don’t cry remembering my past because there is nothing but pain in it now. Still I do, call that stupidity, call that love, call it whatever you may like but it is a thing which will never change.
Because, I just cant accept…

Try and love…

Lives change. Things change. Situations change. We change.
I am not what I used to be.
I guess I have grown. I guess we just grow.
Today when I write this, I literally am at loss of words.
There are days in life when everything is just going fine. We just follow our daily routine, have some fun and in the night when we sleep we have no regrets.
And,
There are days like this, when head aches, there are a thousand of things to do, thousand of feelings to feel and we just sit idle, just confused.

When you ask me what are my feelings about, why I smile, why I cry; I will have only one answer: it is her.
Yes, that is what she did to me or maybe I should just say, that is what I let her do to me.

Recently, we started talking again and here I am again, sitting idle. Lost in her words, finding a speck of meaning, a bit of truth in them.
When we think about that, it is the main difference between friendship and love.
In friendship, we are there for each other, say a lot of things to each other but in love, every word matters, every feeling matters, every pain matters.
It is just so funny to see, we care for each other a hell lot in love, even of bit of hurt to that person makes the other cry, and just a single word hurts like hell.
That is insane, but that is love.

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Somethings are always left unsaid....

Sometimes, I get angry on myself to fall in such a stupid thing but there was a time when I loved it all so much.
That feeling, that joy, it was all uncomparable, so fascinating, so fragile.
But I took that decision in my complete sense and I am not sorry for it.
Yes, I am sorry for my eyes, they have shed a lot of tears.
Yes, I am sorry for my heart for it had to go through a lot.
But, I am not sorry for myself because overall I lived. May it be for a few days only, but I lived.

When we are happy, blissful in love, we enjoy a lot.
Then why when we are broken, aching in pain, why cant we enjoy that ?
It all just seems unfair.
It all ended so soon we feel, isn’t it?
Try and love, haha I dare you.

#inspire

Finding Happiness…

That is what is our aim in life. We want happiness.
Every decision that we take, everything that we do, we do it so that it makes us happy, so that it turns out good for us.
Remember my mistake?
I gave that decision in the hands of someone whom I believed, loved me…

We wanna spend our lives with people we love, because in love we find happiness.
I found happiness in you, and the day you left me, my happiness left me.
Why did you come in my life?
To snatch away the only heart that I had? To take away all the happiness I deserved?
I don’t wish to blame you but when I look in myself, I see that hollowness, that brokenness which I always hated.
And I can’t deny, the reason is my love.
Not you sweetheart, its My Love.

People say,” No one can survive without his heart…” And here I am, an exception.
But, what one can one do?
We have to live, live in hope, live for passion, for desire, for expectations, for the lost love.
I write not to inspire you, I write to touch your heart, your soul.
I write to feel our pain, our agony, our hate.
So I write to you all once again, if you lost your love, don’t lose your hope. This world is big, you will survive.
Go out and try to find happiness, just like me because as I said,
You don’t have a choice.

When I was in love, I lost all my contact with the world. I started living in MY WORLD. (We all have that little world of ours, don’t we?)
A World where love and happiness was to the power of infinity.
A World where there Was pain, but it never overcame the love.
Unfortunate for me, I have now come to this world.
A world of material things, a world of fake faces and lies. A world where all that matters is pleasure.
Yes, now I am one of them, finding pleasure in life. Making it my main motive. I don’t have any idea what I am doing, why I am doing…
My life has come to a pause, there is no reason, no belief… Just a bit of practicality and randomness.

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I am, and you should be as well...

I want to get the wheel of my life moving, but I can’t. It is funny how I talk about giving inspiration to you, and here I am, in need of motivation myself.

When you are in love, everything just becomes a reflection of your love. Every moment is joined with that happiness, that sense of being loved…
When it all ends,
Everything just shatters, that mirror which showed that reflection, broken.
I remember how I continuously babbled about her to my friends and how now I feel uncomfortable to talk to those friends again. Memories, being the reason.
So I go out finding new friends, in some unknown people so that those memories don’t hurt me anymore.
Maybe talking to new girls would help me understand them more and maybe I would one day, understand, where did I go wrong….
For me, happiness means staying away from those memories…
Don’t know if I will succeed cause chances are always minimal… But we ought to try… Always.
So, go out and find happiness.. But do remember,
Happiness is something which cannot be attained, but only pursued….

#inspire

A Last Message To My Love…

You have decided to leave me.
You have taken this decision alone.
It is a proof that you never loved me (that way) because you never believed in us. If you would have, then you would have just asked me once before taking this decision.
But, I never said anything, you want to know why?
Because I believed in us. I believed in Love. If you think you can be happy without me, I am happy.
Remember how I would do anything to make you smile? Hope my silence helps you to smile.
I am sorry I could not be what you wanted me to be. I am not that strong enough. I hurt you a lot, don’t I ? Forgive me for that as well. I know I never did it intentionally.
My every moment spent with you was beautiful. I will always remember them. I will always remember you.
But it is also true that from now on whenever I will think about you I will cry and that is why I have decided to not think about you but I know that also will not be possible.
Today I pray to God that no one ever loves me the way I loved you because I would never ever want to hurt anyone so much. I really feel bad for you. It must really hurt a lot when you know that you are the reason for someone’s tears.

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And that's true....

I forgive you.
It was never your mistake. You already told me that one day you would leave me but still I loved you.
Not your fault.
But remember these words my love, one day when you go out in this world to find your love…. You will never find anyone who would love you more than I did…. Who would turn the world upside down just to make you smile… Who would die to hear your voice… To hold your hand…. Who would fight with you and then try his best to make you happy once again…. Who would accept you with all your flaws and still love you unconditionally…. Who would run after your bus…. Who would sit and wait for you….
I promise you that today. I do. You would never find such a person.
And If you do, I promise that day I would no longer be alive.
Because I would be in that another person who loves you. I just can’t leave you, I am sorry.
I thought I would write a last poem for you but I guess I no longer have my inspiration to write one….

You are a princess for me and you would always be.

There are so many other things to say but I don’t think you would like to know more non sense.
Just one last thing,
My Love,
It was very nice to know you. You taught me how to Love and then you are also the one because of whom I would never Love again. Yes, you have hurt me but you know, ” Some people are just worth getting hurt from.
If you want to know how would I be without you let me tell you….
From now on,
I will survive but I wont live.
I will laugh but I wont smile.
I will not be a whole, But just a collection of pieces.

If you cry after reading this Last Message of mine, then my purpose will be fulfilled because,
I was born in your smile, and wish to die in your tears.

#inspire

Where does Love go???

When we were together, you wrote poems for me just like I did…
And now when I read them I wonder…

“You are the aim and the reason,
You are the answer to my orison,
You are the first and you will be the last,
Nothing matters: No future, no past….”

You wrote this for me remember?
I wonder what happened to our promises? Did this poem lost its meaning when you left me?
Your friends say you still care for me…. But is it enough?
Do you have any idea when you steal your eyes from me now?
Where did your love for me went? It just left your heart?

There are many more such questions…. And many more formulating each day …
Questions.. Which remain unanswered, or shall I say uncared to be answered…

But sometimes I really wonder… Do I really want their answers…??
Those who have gone through heartbreak must really be knowing my feelings… This post is for them…

There will be many questions in your mind as well… Some which you want your ex to answer and some directly by God.
But just stop for a minute and think…
Do I really want the answers to these questions? Would it change anything? Would there be less pain afterwards?

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That is the difference... Heart feels, it does not "think"!

When I ask myself,
I feel maybe if she would have told me why she left, I would have felt better… But in the same place whatever I do, those reasons would never be justified for me… Yes, it would help me to understand my bad and work for them but still it would never mend my heart.

Guys, here is a beautiful poem, I would like to share with you….
“They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel…
For no one knows the heart ache,
That lies behind my smile,
For no one knows how many times,
I have broken down and cried….”

They say,
“Time will heal..”
Yes, I know it will… But its really hard to fight the feeling which says,” I knew she was the one for me, I just don’t know why didn’t God agree with me…
So readers, if you really believe in your love, have faith in yourself, have faith in Him.
One day, your day, will come.
That day, if he/she comes back to you, forgive them, give them a chance… Your heart is bigger than theirs… There is nothing like the word “revenge”… You were born to love and to be loved, there is no place for hatred in your broken heart….

This is the message I want to give you.
Hope you will dwell on my word, and share it with those who might need a bit of….. “ inspiration”.

#inspire

Hurting Someone’s Feelings

That’s the last thing I want to do on this Earth.
I consider it the greatest sin of all. It is really confusing sometimes even to me but I truly believe in God (ThereĀ  some experiences which made me believe in Him).I believe He is watching everything from His Kingdom.
So, if you come to me after breaking my heart, I will forgive you (I always do) but it is not me whom you should be asking for. It’s Him, the Almighty.
For the sin you have done is the greatest of all, baddest of all, so ask forgiveness from Him.

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And it's true....

You want to know why I am saying it?
We always hear; Whatever A Person Does Comes Straight Back To Him.
So if you have hurt someone’s feelings, broken someone’s heart, then one bad day your feelings would also get hurt, one unfortunate day your heart will also be broken.
And I know you would never want that.
That unrepairable, unbearable pain.
So, I request you, if you have ever even by mistake hurt someone’s feelings, ask forgiveness from him/her.
Believe me it’s necessary.

(Excerpt)
When you are broken, the thing which hurts the most is the memories.
Knocking on the door of your mind every single day, anytime.
It is been some days that I have been fine. I have been living. Starting to have fun. But every night, when I close my eyes….
You are the first thought that comes to mind.
Every night, you are the first tear that falls of my cheeks.
The first drop of salty water that runs down my cheek, every night.

After all these days, you are still there, somewhere. That Love, for you, still hidden somewhere.
You were my most beautiful dream and now you are my worst nightmare.

But I know, you are now nothing more than… A fragile feeling….

#inspire